9.21.2011
Terribly Un-PC
Will it ever be okay to watch something an African American does on reality TV and say "that's so black?"
Dark "Light"
Hello all of you who have never looked at my darker side before. I used to get real heavy here before; I used to get "real." Then I evacuated, thinking negative thoughts breed negativity, blah blah blah, and in aiding a positive direction in life, I let this site go. I've resurrected this site to say stuff I cannot be pegged for, cannot tweet or facebook, but yet I need to tell someone what I am thinking... nothing deep, you see, just more like super offensive stuff that would get people in real high places in a lot of hot water - it's a new "light" twist on A Darker Side of Me.
Be warned. These statements will not be "PC..." Ever. And some of it might be things "ladies" think, but never ever say.
I love you.
DSM.
Be warned. These statements will not be "PC..." Ever. And some of it might be things "ladies" think, but never ever say.
I love you.
DSM.
1.15.2009
Hello I am Dark Again.
Hello. I am Dark again. It has been a long time since I have been Dark. The funny thing is that, at this time many people are feeling Hope (Obama! And Bushwacked is leaving office!). But I have love issues again, and that trumps all National Euphoria, right? Right.
So here's the deal. New Man. Good Man. Good Man swooped/swept me off my goddamn feet in the first couple of weeks. For a while there, I was like, Whoa Charlie, slow the whole Parade down! And then, without even me needing to say that, he did. He did slow the Parade down because of a Family Tragedy.
Now, I'm a nice, Very Patient Girl, and I was really nice and patient. I am trying to be the best, most sexy reliable girl you could possibly lean on in a time when your father passes and you are trying to not only figure your own place out but what will become of the remaining family. Yes, I am lying low, I am not asking for ANYTHING even though I need a few small reassurances just to keep the fuel pump working. But your flow, Mister, has stopped. Your oil well of affection is dry and I am tired of fishing an empty well. And so, as much as I like you, and I did open a teeny tiny bit to you, and because of that I am only a little bit hurt... I'd rather be a little bit hurt and not A LOT hurt and so I am moving on. And still fucking Dark , and wondering why My Life Path chooses Me to be the One at the High School Reunion who is Single And (Pretending) to Love It! when everyone else there hase 2 or 1.5 kids and a picket shit fence and a person to share life with and kids to teach stuff to when I am the Child Whisperer without any Partner or Children of my own. So, for crying out loud, I am crying out loud upset about this... I only say it here, where I allow myself to be dark... because if you were me, in my fucking Mayberry where only my Mom is upset with my "success" as an independent woman because being an Independent Woman in her eyes means Failing to Find and Capture the Right Husband to Make Grandchildren With, then you would be Dark and extremely Upset too, since This Man, Who Made You Believe for Several Weeks That You Are His One and Only, was only leading you on. Again.
But, as a Dark soul speaking honestly to you, I cannot wait to meet the other man, the one who I know will help me fade out of the Dark and be happy... so I hope you see this too. This was just a rant, not a bullet to the head.
Cheers in 2009.
Mona.
So here's the deal. New Man. Good Man. Good Man swooped/swept me off my goddamn feet in the first couple of weeks. For a while there, I was like, Whoa Charlie, slow the whole Parade down! And then, without even me needing to say that, he did. He did slow the Parade down because of a Family Tragedy.
Now, I'm a nice, Very Patient Girl, and I was really nice and patient. I am trying to be the best, most sexy reliable girl you could possibly lean on in a time when your father passes and you are trying to not only figure your own place out but what will become of the remaining family. Yes, I am lying low, I am not asking for ANYTHING even though I need a few small reassurances just to keep the fuel pump working. But your flow, Mister, has stopped. Your oil well of affection is dry and I am tired of fishing an empty well. And so, as much as I like you, and I did open a teeny tiny bit to you, and because of that I am only a little bit hurt... I'd rather be a little bit hurt and not A LOT hurt and so I am moving on. And still fucking Dark , and wondering why My Life Path chooses Me to be the One at the High School Reunion who is Single And (Pretending) to Love It! when everyone else there hase 2 or 1.5 kids and a picket shit fence and a person to share life with and kids to teach stuff to when I am the Child Whisperer without any Partner or Children of my own. So, for crying out loud, I am crying out loud upset about this... I only say it here, where I allow myself to be dark... because if you were me, in my fucking Mayberry where only my Mom is upset with my "success" as an independent woman because being an Independent Woman in her eyes means Failing to Find and Capture the Right Husband to Make Grandchildren With, then you would be Dark and extremely Upset too, since This Man, Who Made You Believe for Several Weeks That You Are His One and Only, was only leading you on. Again.
But, as a Dark soul speaking honestly to you, I cannot wait to meet the other man, the one who I know will help me fade out of the Dark and be happy... so I hope you see this too. This was just a rant, not a bullet to the head.
Cheers in 2009.
Mona.
2.26.2008
F*** You, The Biggest Loser
Oh my goodness. Can you believe The Biggest Loser made me cry tonite? I barely ever watch it, but geez, tonite I was simply SUCKED IN. And it made me cry for almost an hour. F--k you, The Biggest Loser!
1.15.2008
Tuesday's Downfall
New year; new me…
Resolution 3: don't drink alcohol at home by yourself
Resolution 4: Run 3x week and gym 2x week
Resolution 1: quit smoking.
Resolution 1: don't smoke in the house.
Resolution 1: don’t take smokes with you when you leave the house – bum them from someone else if you really have to smoke.
Resolution 1: only smoke on a “cigarette walk” near the house.
Resolution 2: be healthy
Resolution 2: no Cheetos
Resolution 2: 5 veggies and fruits ALMOST daily
Resolution 2: no fast food
Resolution 3: don't drink an entire bottle of wine at home by yourself
Resolution 4: exercise more than you are now
Okay, maybe not right away…
9.20.2007
Dark Cloud on my Friends
A dark and tragic cloud has descended upon my friends. I do not say hooray. I say be strong. I am not very spiritual, but your tragedy is echoing and your strength is acknowledged and supported by my thoughts, hopes and prayers. Rise up. No bullshit today and for many days to come, I promise you that. Stay strong, my friends.
9.12.2007
Wake Up.
Wake up. I'm back.
"Donnie Darko" is one of my favorite movies, because in my opinion, the story can be interpreted in any one of 3 different ways. I'm still confused. I'd like to talk to the writer. If anyone knows him and knows he likes to discuss the storyline, feel free to connect us.
That's not really why I'm here right now. I've objected from my other blog, citing that I no longer need nor have the time for the outlet. But that's not true. My Darker side still remains, and still needs to post. So here I am again, despite my absence of late.
Wake up. My creative senses can rest no more. Wake up and talk to me.
"Donnie Darko" is one of my favorite movies, because in my opinion, the story can be interpreted in any one of 3 different ways. I'm still confused. I'd like to talk to the writer. If anyone knows him and knows he likes to discuss the storyline, feel free to connect us.
That's not really why I'm here right now. I've objected from my other blog, citing that I no longer need nor have the time for the outlet. But that's not true. My Darker side still remains, and still needs to post. So here I am again, despite my absence of late.
Wake up. My creative senses can rest no more. Wake up and talk to me.
1.25.2007
STOP SAYING "INTERNETS!"
EVERYONE PLEASE STOP JOKING AROUND AND SAYING "INTERNETS."
It was funny when George W. Bush said it during a speach, I agree. But by changing the way that we speak about the internet or refer to the internet only gives that idiot president of ours an even more permanent place in history than he already has.
Go ahead and laugh at him any other way, but please, PLEASE stop saying internets. It might just stick.
It was funny when George W. Bush said it during a speach, I agree. But by changing the way that we speak about the internet or refer to the internet only gives that idiot president of ours an even more permanent place in history than he already has.
Go ahead and laugh at him any other way, but please, PLEASE stop saying internets. It might just stick.
6.12.2006
Lake Funny Ha Ha
(The title is a tribute to my rellies in Minnesota. The post is totally random.)
Uh... earlier this evening I checked my nifty online TV guide and saw that my limited (plug-the-tv-into-Ye-olde-electrical-socket) channels had nothihng on. So I went to Ye Olde Video store (yes, I'm out of touch - I don't have Netflix yet). And I rented a DVD.
But I got home at 10PM and I am in the midst of a "life change:" early to bed and early to rise. If you know me as well as we both think you do, you are aware that is a very tough habit to break. So I figured "if I start the movie now, I won't go to bed early, and the habit change will not be in effect."
It is funny I think, habitual patterns. Because indeed I did not put the DVD in, however I am still up. Good Yuck and Good Night.
Uh... earlier this evening I checked my nifty online TV guide and saw that my limited (plug-the-tv-into-Ye-olde-electrical-socket) channels had nothihng on. So I went to Ye Olde Video store (yes, I'm out of touch - I don't have Netflix yet). And I rented a DVD.
But I got home at 10PM and I am in the midst of a "life change:" early to bed and early to rise. If you know me as well as we both think you do, you are aware that is a very tough habit to break. So I figured "if I start the movie now, I won't go to bed early, and the habit change will not be in effect."
It is funny I think, habitual patterns. Because indeed I did not put the DVD in, however I am still up. Good Yuck and Good Night.
6.09.2006
Evil Thoughts About the Ex
The International Ex is in town. The fucker. I know this because I "got wind of it," not from him directly. He has not contacted me since he shot off his uber-vicious e-mail in February. Two days before Valentine's Day, in fact.
As you can tell I am still a little bit hung up, but it's getting easier with time. However! If that fucker doesn't contact me while he's here, I'll be pissed. Furthermore! If that fucker contacts me while he's here, I'll be pissed. Damned if he do, and damned if he don't. And you know what? He's such a chicken shit baby that I know he won't. So I'm pissed.
I'm happy to be slowly losing that childish baggage. Who needs it? He wasn't all that anyway (I tell myself. I tell myself).
As you can tell I am still a little bit hung up, but it's getting easier with time. However! If that fucker doesn't contact me while he's here, I'll be pissed. Furthermore! If that fucker contacts me while he's here, I'll be pissed. Damned if he do, and damned if he don't. And you know what? He's such a chicken shit baby that I know he won't. So I'm pissed.
I'm happy to be slowly losing that childish baggage. Who needs it? He wasn't all that anyway (I tell myself. I tell myself).
Evil Thoughts
Yesterday I was driving home and ahead of me was a Porsche with the top down. Porsches are pretty much common around here, and you can always tell a newish owner because they have the top down when it’s sunny but only 53 degrees, so seeing this silver one cruisng along was no surprise.
As I got closer I could see the driver had his arm resting on the window sill, but in a really funny way, I couldn’t quite figure out how he had his arm positioned. And then we pulled up next to each other at a light. His arm was actually sticking straight up: he was an amputee and was using that [half] arm to hold his cell phone to his ear! My evil thought? “Nice settlement.”
The second I heard myself think that, the Good Mona slapped the Dark Mona upside the head.
5.27.2006
Whoo - Chi-al... Aren't You Lucky
And I most unfortunate? I just spent over 30 minutes, spanned over and hour and a half, writing an assinine post for this blog. And it didn't stick. In fact, apparantly, this blog "was not recognized." Hrmmph. Better for you. Because the post I had written required you to read it in a 19th Century British accent and then question a lot of international current affair tragedies. Honest. So count your American Blessings, because they are one of a kind. Seriously, they are ONE OF A KIND. And, don't waste them!
5.01.2006
Is it okay to...
Hey. Is it okay to want to demolish every sense of being of the person you broke up with for the fact that he is moving on?
There are so many times that I just want to find a public place (usually where he's been) and add some comment like "the idiot speaks." Or, "because I'm an asshole." Or, "..plus, I'm a fuckhead."
Sometimes I wonder if I broke up with him? I mean, I'm sure I did. I guess I just don't like the way he's handling it. Because, fuck, it really seems like he's handling it very well. In fact, I think he's married now? Two months later? Well, that's the way it looks anyway.
Most of all, I hate that the majority of my Darker Side of Me posts are about the nuclear fall-out of me ending a relationship. Correction, MY apparant nuclear fall-out. What the fuck? I mean, I did this to make a better place for myself! And I'm the one that ends up all pissed off.
Furthermore, what I really meant to say above, is that I hate that all my Darker Side of Me posts are about me stomping my own heart out. I don't want the posts to just wallow in some pity that I brought on in the first place. I want to bitch about real shit like traffic and general idiosyncracies of a selfish culture; I want to laugh with y'all about Bush (because there's nothing we can do for the next couple of years but laugh, the way I see it- he's certainly NOT reading his audience). I want to complain about the way a pair of pants fits or a bad date with bad breath and bad manners and crap like that.
But I'm not there yet. I'm close though, so bare with me a little longer. By the way, I went on a date with Casanova. When we were kissing at the end, he "rimmed my lips" with his tongue. I didn't respond. Then a few minutes later he said sensually "give me your tongue" and then he proceeded to suck on it. I got a BIG hint that he was looking for a blow job HELLO. But hey, you know what, Don Juan? Not getting it on the first date. Sorry. However, to make nicey, I will say you're one helluva hot guy, and I wouldn't put it past myself to consider something like that in the future. But please remember, kind sir, that in my line of business (which to the gen public, NO, I'm not a hooker, escort, or dancer of any sort), reputation is key, and sometimes I fear that bedroom may hit boardroom, and that could be a liability. So. Consider yourself informed that things go My Speed. Check. See you for dinner Thursday.
There are so many times that I just want to find a public place (usually where he's been) and add some comment like "the idiot speaks." Or, "because I'm an asshole." Or, "..plus, I'm a fuckhead."
Sometimes I wonder if I broke up with him? I mean, I'm sure I did. I guess I just don't like the way he's handling it. Because, fuck, it really seems like he's handling it very well. In fact, I think he's married now? Two months later? Well, that's the way it looks anyway.
Most of all, I hate that the majority of my Darker Side of Me posts are about the nuclear fall-out of me ending a relationship. Correction, MY apparant nuclear fall-out. What the fuck? I mean, I did this to make a better place for myself! And I'm the one that ends up all pissed off.
Furthermore, what I really meant to say above, is that I hate that all my Darker Side of Me posts are about me stomping my own heart out. I don't want the posts to just wallow in some pity that I brought on in the first place. I want to bitch about real shit like traffic and general idiosyncracies of a selfish culture; I want to laugh with y'all about Bush (because there's nothing we can do for the next couple of years but laugh, the way I see it- he's certainly NOT reading his audience). I want to complain about the way a pair of pants fits or a bad date with bad breath and bad manners and crap like that.
But I'm not there yet. I'm close though, so bare with me a little longer. By the way, I went on a date with Casanova. When we were kissing at the end, he "rimmed my lips" with his tongue. I didn't respond. Then a few minutes later he said sensually "give me your tongue" and then he proceeded to suck on it. I got a BIG hint that he was looking for a blow job HELLO. But hey, you know what, Don Juan? Not getting it on the first date. Sorry. However, to make nicey, I will say you're one helluva hot guy, and I wouldn't put it past myself to consider something like that in the future. But please remember, kind sir, that in my line of business (which to the gen public, NO, I'm not a hooker, escort, or dancer of any sort), reputation is key, and sometimes I fear that bedroom may hit boardroom, and that could be a liability. So. Consider yourself informed that things go My Speed. Check. See you for dinner Thursday.
4.27.2006
Oh, I'm Sorry...
Pardon? Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't see you there.
Who, me? You think I'm dark? Why, I don't know what you mean. No... you must be mistaking me for some other girl. You know who I'm talking about? Why, yes, it is Mona!
Yes, yes... quite right, Mona can be very selfish. What's that? Yes, she can be bitter, too. Should I tell her you said that? No? Okay.
But - no; I haven't seen her lately. Well, last I heard she was quite busy. However! She did break up with some Dutch bozo who has basically "erased" her... yes, her words not mine, but how lame! After a year and a half. Right. And, apparantly he has some new girl who isn't so new at all... No, from what I've heard, she was seen around and even videologged on the internet as being very present right before the goof-ball's visit to Mona. Yes! Imagine the shock.
Anyway, no, you didn't bother me at all. Yes, I will tell Mona you said hi. No, she's around... just gearing up for some crazy trip to Casablanca or something. Yeah, I guess her brother lives there. I know! That would be a cool trip. Well, have a good day. Right. Will do. Er, what's your name? Okay. I'll tell her. Okay! Bye!
Who, me? You think I'm dark? Why, I don't know what you mean. No... you must be mistaking me for some other girl. You know who I'm talking about? Why, yes, it is Mona!
Yes, yes... quite right, Mona can be very selfish. What's that? Yes, she can be bitter, too. Should I tell her you said that? No? Okay.
But - no; I haven't seen her lately. Well, last I heard she was quite busy. However! She did break up with some Dutch bozo who has basically "erased" her... yes, her words not mine, but how lame! After a year and a half. Right. And, apparantly he has some new girl who isn't so new at all... No, from what I've heard, she was seen around and even videologged on the internet as being very present right before the goof-ball's visit to Mona. Yes! Imagine the shock.
Anyway, no, you didn't bother me at all. Yes, I will tell Mona you said hi. No, she's around... just gearing up for some crazy trip to Casablanca or something. Yeah, I guess her brother lives there. I know! That would be a cool trip. Well, have a good day. Right. Will do. Er, what's your name? Okay. I'll tell her. Okay! Bye!
4.17.2006
A letter of discussion from JC
I love this guy. He's a pal of my parents - same generation as them - (happily married and surfing/making commercials in So California) , we've always just clicked. Sometimes he's a little over the top for me, but other times, like in throwing me a few questions the other day, he gets me to actually think about the reasoning behind actions. He'll throw out just a few q's, yet it will take me 45 minutes to respond. At the end, it usually brings better self-understanding:
JC's e-mailed questions:
"I've heard of your fem-technique used before, female-to-male - after the relationship sours, with the gal saying it's over, then executing provocative taunts. Why? - to tease?, to win back?, to reel the fish back into the fem's love boat?"
Mona's self-enlightening response (thanks, JC):
"I wouldn't question the fem-technique. That's like entering a bottomless abyss. Believe me...women, who are so good at pondering/finding answers for things (things need to make sense), don't know why we do this. The only answer I can think of is that this comes to play when the man doesn't outwardly show regret in losing the girl. I am deep enough and empathetical enough to realize that regret is sometimes not outwardly shown, even if it is there. Regardless, there is something innate in we women that just needs to see, wants proof of the fact, that we are good, wanted, and more importantly: missed. I think this happens most when a man comes on like blockbusters and then drops the act "out of nowhere" (obviously it is coming from somewhere, but that's man's territory and we can't decipher the code; it takes too much energy and once deciphered, it usually doesn't make "sense" anyway). For a woman, going from 60 to 0, or pedastal to floor (behind the refrigerator) is a difficult thing to accept. Is the fem-tech to tease? A bit. Fish back? Sometimes (not in this case). Is it passive aggressive? Yes, I hate to admit. Mostly I think, it's to make the drop from queen to pauper a little softer. Because, no matter which girl you are, it's a hard fall to take.
Before you hit the reply button, you should know that above I am only answering your questions. I am like you; fully believing that where you are is where you are, that there is always a changeable path and you are always both directing it and at some point on it. I am comfortable with the decision I made and I can only think at this moment, for the sake of the myself and the path, that that was what needed to happen. I'm taking what comes (including my own obtrusive and innate womanly reactions) in stride, and (hopefully) growing and learning, and thus affecting the path that comes.
All my best,
Mona"
JC's e-mailed questions:
"I've heard of your fem-technique used before, female-to-male - after the relationship sours, with the gal saying it's over, then executing provocative taunts. Why? - to tease?, to win back?, to reel the fish back into the fem's love boat?"
Mona's self-enlightening response (thanks, JC):
"I wouldn't question the fem-technique. That's like entering a bottomless abyss. Believe me...women, who are so good at pondering/finding answers for things (things need to make sense), don't know why we do this. The only answer I can think of is that this comes to play when the man doesn't outwardly show regret in losing the girl. I am deep enough and empathetical enough to realize that regret is sometimes not outwardly shown, even if it is there. Regardless, there is something innate in we women that just needs to see, wants proof of the fact, that we are good, wanted, and more importantly: missed. I think this happens most when a man comes on like blockbusters and then drops the act "out of nowhere" (obviously it is coming from somewhere, but that's man's territory and we can't decipher the code; it takes too much energy and once deciphered, it usually doesn't make "sense" anyway). For a woman, going from 60 to 0, or pedastal to floor (behind the refrigerator) is a difficult thing to accept. Is the fem-tech to tease? A bit. Fish back? Sometimes (not in this case). Is it passive aggressive? Yes, I hate to admit. Mostly I think, it's to make the drop from queen to pauper a little softer. Because, no matter which girl you are, it's a hard fall to take.
Before you hit the reply button, you should know that above I am only answering your questions. I am like you; fully believing that where you are is where you are, that there is always a changeable path and you are always both directing it and at some point on it. I am comfortable with the decision I made and I can only think at this moment, for the sake of the myself and the path, that that was what needed to happen. I'm taking what comes (including my own obtrusive and innate womanly reactions) in stride, and (hopefully) growing and learning, and thus affecting the path that comes.
All my best,
Mona"
4.16.2006
Pillage and Rape
Can I just tell you, for a moment, what a motherfucker my ex-boyfriend is?
He's a big, fat motherfucker. There. I said it.
In my cyber-stalking, I have found that he *instanly!* rebounded with a girl who was around when *I was around.* Hmm. Makes me wonder if he was honest when I asked him the Big Sex Questions.
Furthermore, he's not hiding it anymore. On his photolog, he referred to her as "'da missas" so, I can all but guarantee, he's traded this lovely American model in for a more (dare I say? No, I shan't I'm dark but not that dark)... Local Model (albeit more colorful in clothing and less straight in the teeth departments - shit - ok - I am a little dark after all). So she speaks Dutch and I can't understand her, so I can't tell you if she is as smart as me. I can tell you I hate her voice and her Dutchness. But that could be for other reasons. Actually, not. It's because she's my replacement, goddammit. Regardless, he's a big, fat motherfucker.
I must tell you that there have been NUMEROUS TIMES that I have wanted to,and was able to, rain on his cyber-parade by inserting mean comments about him wherever cyberly possible (in his case, many many places). But again, I'm only a little dark. So I do not do it. Why? Eye for an eye and the Golden Rule. I'd hate to have him do it to me publicly (although he has in a private e-mail - ouch all the same but I let that lay there dead in the water), so I cannot bring myself to expose him as the fool man-child that he is.
As you can very well tell, there is still a bit of sting. It bothers me tremendously. I struggled and fought to make the decision to end the relationship, and still, once decided and after a little reprieve, it haunts me. I see the fucking q-tip jar, almost empty, and it reminds me of when he was here thinking I didn't own q-tips. And I showed him how the medicine cabinet (surprise!) works and we re-filled the jar together. And now, the jar is almost empty again, and everytime I reach for a q-tip (daily) I think of that!!! Stupid girl. Stupid girl must often remind herself that this wasnt' even love, and then stupid girl worries big time that, if this wasn't love, then thinking about a q-tip scenario with someone said girl was actually in love with would be altogether quite worse. So this non-fond memory is okay after all.
Back to the title of the post, though. Granted: a break-up with a generally good (though fool man-child) guy is difficult. Hence the pillage and rape. Because it's like a "WHAMMY!" to those guys, all innocent and not realizing they aren't doing the right things. But it sucks on this end, too. In a way, I feel like I am missing something. I miss sharing what's happening in my life with him (actually, it's all good stuff, but still... erase ERASE!). And you know what sucks even more? Being the stupid girl, who still feels bad about breaking it off, and who still wonders a little, and who cyber-stalks enough to wonder even a little more, and most of all.... most of all it sucks being the stupid girl who whines about break-ups in multiple multiple posts! Yes, realizing that you are not really being dark at the moment, but that you're just being one troubled person of a thousand troubled persons being troubled by the same stupid shit, is the most depressing thing of all.
He's a big, fat motherfucker. There. I said it.
In my cyber-stalking, I have found that he *instanly!* rebounded with a girl who was around when *I was around.* Hmm. Makes me wonder if he was honest when I asked him the Big Sex Questions.
Furthermore, he's not hiding it anymore. On his photolog, he referred to her as "'da missas" so, I can all but guarantee, he's traded this lovely American model in for a more (dare I say? No, I shan't I'm dark but not that dark)... Local Model (albeit more colorful in clothing and less straight in the teeth departments - shit - ok - I am a little dark after all). So she speaks Dutch and I can't understand her, so I can't tell you if she is as smart as me. I can tell you I hate her voice and her Dutchness. But that could be for other reasons. Actually, not. It's because she's my replacement, goddammit. Regardless, he's a big, fat motherfucker.
I must tell you that there have been NUMEROUS TIMES that I have wanted to,and was able to, rain on his cyber-parade by inserting mean comments about him wherever cyberly possible (in his case, many many places). But again, I'm only a little dark. So I do not do it. Why? Eye for an eye and the Golden Rule. I'd hate to have him do it to me publicly (although he has in a private e-mail - ouch all the same but I let that lay there dead in the water), so I cannot bring myself to expose him as the fool man-child that he is.
As you can very well tell, there is still a bit of sting. It bothers me tremendously. I struggled and fought to make the decision to end the relationship, and still, once decided and after a little reprieve, it haunts me. I see the fucking q-tip jar, almost empty, and it reminds me of when he was here thinking I didn't own q-tips. And I showed him how the medicine cabinet (surprise!) works and we re-filled the jar together. And now, the jar is almost empty again, and everytime I reach for a q-tip (daily) I think of that!!! Stupid girl. Stupid girl must often remind herself that this wasnt' even love, and then stupid girl worries big time that, if this wasn't love, then thinking about a q-tip scenario with someone said girl was actually in love with would be altogether quite worse. So this non-fond memory is okay after all.
Back to the title of the post, though. Granted: a break-up with a generally good (though fool man-child) guy is difficult. Hence the pillage and rape. Because it's like a "WHAMMY!" to those guys, all innocent and not realizing they aren't doing the right things. But it sucks on this end, too. In a way, I feel like I am missing something. I miss sharing what's happening in my life with him (actually, it's all good stuff, but still... erase ERASE!). And you know what sucks even more? Being the stupid girl, who still feels bad about breaking it off, and who still wonders a little, and who cyber-stalks enough to wonder even a little more, and most of all.... most of all it sucks being the stupid girl who whines about break-ups in multiple multiple posts! Yes, realizing that you are not really being dark at the moment, but that you're just being one troubled person of a thousand troubled persons being troubled by the same stupid shit, is the most depressing thing of all.
4.06.2006
What Up? A Sad Song
Er... I don't really know how to add audio. But I'm gonna try right now. Cuz this song, I wrote a long time ago (and yeah, sounds a bit like I was drinking and singing my blues away). Does it come on? [ed note later: no. Sorry.]
4.05.2006
"C" Is For...
... Cancer. It's unfortunate, really, morbid in fact, to be the one and only astrological sign that shares its name with an illness which is, the majority of the time, terminal. It's a big bummer, to be frank.
I mean, there are no other astrological signs that are synonymous with a deadly disease. It's quite unfair, if you think about it. No one ever says, in a quiet tone, "she died from Aries," or Scorpio, or Taurus. No, not related to something morbid at all, those signs. If anyone happened to suddenly die, then at least, one could proudly say that he or she simply had an ill-fated infatuation with someone of another astrological sign, and it would be death categorized in the from love (or unrequited love), and that would be quite romantic.
But, oh! To be a "Cancer." The term, since the word refers to other ills (the obvious- cancer: a disease which materializes within the body and eats away at the body's tissue until it can no longer operate - and the less obvious - the metaphorical nomiker "cancer," in which a person is considered to be clingy and suffocating, or one who spreads negativity), does not ring lightly or cheerily in human ears, whether speaking of signs or not. It is loaded with negativity; so much so that I often refrain from referencing it when describing myself.
But here's the funny thing. Cancer, the sign that is, is the one most identifiable thing about me. Now, don't take me for some hippie-dippy astrology freak. I'm just saying that, in my three decades on the earth, only my family origin and my astrological sign have made me feel real, definable, and understood. So what I'm saying is that, of the few things I can solidly rely on to come back to my true... my true... "soul identity" I guess I'll call it, is something for which the majority of the world cringes upon hearing when uttered. Cancer.
On that note and on a somewhat half-baked tangent, I want to know something. I want to know something about the questions doctors and researchers ask people who have been identified as having lung cancer yet have never smoked. Because I seriously think it has a lot to do with all the consumer product shit that we either have and swear by or are being forced to believe is required for "cleanliness."
So, here are my questions that I hope to God the reasearchers and doctors are asking, so we can eliminate possible cancer enducers in the future. If they are not asking them yet, I hope someone reads this and passes it along:
Where do you live (I have a feeling most of these cases are in US or highly industry-related cities)?
Recall to the best of your ability what brand of foods did you eat as a child?
Recall to the best of your ability what cleaning brands/products your family used when you were growing up?
Recall to the best of your ability what brand of pesticides, herbicides, plant food products, pest control products, mosquito repellent, etc your family used habitually?
Name the major brands and products of foods that you have consistently eaten in the last 5 years.
Name the brands of cleaning products you have conisistenly used in the last 5 years.
Name the pesticides, herbicides, plant food products, pest control products, mosquito repellents etc you have used in the last 5 years.
Do you drink coffee, soda, tea, and in what quantities daily
What percentage of your diet is made up of processed food, including items such as homogenized milk products (cheese, butter, milk) and fortified bread products?
Do you consume any products that are replacements ("artificial") for other products, such as CoffeeMate, Equal, Egg Beaters, etc.
Do you use aerosole chemical products of any sort in your home?
OK, I am thinking now that my list could go on and on and soon enough, I would start a grassroots organization in which the constituents would be 250 times more invested in than me. But I think you get my drift: non-smoking lung cancer makes absolutely no sense. Something is happening here, and I think, once again, it can be pinned on our infamous private sector, which is attempting to make a fortune on making our lives easier by introducing products that destroy not only us but our world. Exponentially, it seems.
And so now, with this teeny bit of extremism that I have introduced (yet another one of my "lovely" Cancerian characteristics), you can see how I get all bent out of shape by being a Cancer. Can't you?
I mean, there are no other astrological signs that are synonymous with a deadly disease. It's quite unfair, if you think about it. No one ever says, in a quiet tone, "she died from Aries," or Scorpio, or Taurus. No, not related to something morbid at all, those signs. If anyone happened to suddenly die, then at least, one could proudly say that he or she simply had an ill-fated infatuation with someone of another astrological sign, and it would be death categorized in the from love (or unrequited love), and that would be quite romantic.
But, oh! To be a "Cancer." The term, since the word refers to other ills (the obvious- cancer: a disease which materializes within the body and eats away at the body's tissue until it can no longer operate - and the less obvious - the metaphorical nomiker "cancer," in which a person is considered to be clingy and suffocating, or one who spreads negativity), does not ring lightly or cheerily in human ears, whether speaking of signs or not. It is loaded with negativity; so much so that I often refrain from referencing it when describing myself.
But here's the funny thing. Cancer, the sign that is, is the one most identifiable thing about me. Now, don't take me for some hippie-dippy astrology freak. I'm just saying that, in my three decades on the earth, only my family origin and my astrological sign have made me feel real, definable, and understood. So what I'm saying is that, of the few things I can solidly rely on to come back to my true... my true... "soul identity" I guess I'll call it, is something for which the majority of the world cringes upon hearing when uttered. Cancer.
On that note and on a somewhat half-baked tangent, I want to know something. I want to know something about the questions doctors and researchers ask people who have been identified as having lung cancer yet have never smoked. Because I seriously think it has a lot to do with all the consumer product shit that we either have and swear by or are being forced to believe is required for "cleanliness."
So, here are my questions that I hope to God the reasearchers and doctors are asking, so we can eliminate possible cancer enducers in the future. If they are not asking them yet, I hope someone reads this and passes it along:
Where do you live (I have a feeling most of these cases are in US or highly industry-related cities)?
Recall to the best of your ability what brand of foods did you eat as a child?
Recall to the best of your ability what cleaning brands/products your family used when you were growing up?
Recall to the best of your ability what brand of pesticides, herbicides, plant food products, pest control products, mosquito repellent, etc your family used habitually?
Name the major brands and products of foods that you have consistently eaten in the last 5 years.
Name the brands of cleaning products you have conisistenly used in the last 5 years.
Name the pesticides, herbicides, plant food products, pest control products, mosquito repellents etc you have used in the last 5 years.
Do you drink coffee, soda, tea, and in what quantities daily
What percentage of your diet is made up of processed food, including items such as homogenized milk products (cheese, butter, milk) and fortified bread products?
Do you consume any products that are replacements ("artificial") for other products, such as CoffeeMate, Equal, Egg Beaters, etc.
Do you use aerosole chemical products of any sort in your home?
OK, I am thinking now that my list could go on and on and soon enough, I would start a grassroots organization in which the constituents would be 250 times more invested in than me. But I think you get my drift: non-smoking lung cancer makes absolutely no sense. Something is happening here, and I think, once again, it can be pinned on our infamous private sector, which is attempting to make a fortune on making our lives easier by introducing products that destroy not only us but our world. Exponentially, it seems.
And so now, with this teeny bit of extremism that I have introduced (yet another one of my "lovely" Cancerian characteristics), you can see how I get all bent out of shape by being a Cancer. Can't you?
3.30.2006
And the Dalai Lama Says
I don't claim to be an avid reader of the philosophies of the Dalai Lama. But I flipped through a book today of quips and wisdoms of the DL, and basically, what I read told me that gathering love for *everyone* would help eliminate Anger, with a capital "A."
So. Anger. I don't have much of it. Unless, of course, absolute frustration is equal to "Anger" in the DL's view.
Quite honestly, society today frustrates me to no end. No end! I wonder, sometimes, if the DL lived in San Francisco, if his philosophies would hold true.
Take, for example, the selfish culture of today. Many a time I will be walking down the street only to be sidled to the gutter, or end up "shouldering" a person (er, definitely NOT DL style) because soemone felt they owned the sidewalk. Or, on a different level, there have been many times where I have held a door open or moved out of the way on the sidewalk, only to have my intentions of generous compliance completely unnoticed. Unnoticed!
That is when the gravy hits the dirt for me. Time and time again in San Francisco, generosity or pleasantry goes completely unnoticed. How, may I ask, does the DL fill these circumstances with love? Oh, how I wouldn't give anything to see him try to keep up his philosophical dream while trying to park his VW near his pied-a-terre here in SF. Quite frankly, I think he'd issue a whole other ballgame.
I try hard to just appreciate the plain fact that I did something good and generous, on the occasion that I let a hotsy-totsy Marina Girl move me out of the way on Chestnut Street, or when I open a door for someone more frail than myself. But honestly, when these acts of graciousness go completely unnoticed it is difficult to continue on the so-called path of purity and goodness. The path gets rocky and clouded and obscure. It gets hard to define. So much so, that you are left with only one question, and that is: "is what I am doing making an actual difference?" And out here, in la-la land, it is hard to render an answer. Because a few times out of 100, it is clear that someone notices and is thankful of your human kindness, appreciative at the very least. But the other 97 times it takes to get there is a tough pill to swallow, and sometimes I wonder if this is the lesson that the DL meant to have us all tackle. That is, "If you are pleasant and obliging and giving love to humankind 100% of the time, is it okay that they only reciprocate it 2% of the time?"
So. Anger. I don't have much of it. Unless, of course, absolute frustration is equal to "Anger" in the DL's view.
Quite honestly, society today frustrates me to no end. No end! I wonder, sometimes, if the DL lived in San Francisco, if his philosophies would hold true.
Take, for example, the selfish culture of today. Many a time I will be walking down the street only to be sidled to the gutter, or end up "shouldering" a person (er, definitely NOT DL style) because soemone felt they owned the sidewalk. Or, on a different level, there have been many times where I have held a door open or moved out of the way on the sidewalk, only to have my intentions of generous compliance completely unnoticed. Unnoticed!
That is when the gravy hits the dirt for me. Time and time again in San Francisco, generosity or pleasantry goes completely unnoticed. How, may I ask, does the DL fill these circumstances with love? Oh, how I wouldn't give anything to see him try to keep up his philosophical dream while trying to park his VW near his pied-a-terre here in SF. Quite frankly, I think he'd issue a whole other ballgame.
I try hard to just appreciate the plain fact that I did something good and generous, on the occasion that I let a hotsy-totsy Marina Girl move me out of the way on Chestnut Street, or when I open a door for someone more frail than myself. But honestly, when these acts of graciousness go completely unnoticed it is difficult to continue on the so-called path of purity and goodness. The path gets rocky and clouded and obscure. It gets hard to define. So much so, that you are left with only one question, and that is: "is what I am doing making an actual difference?" And out here, in la-la land, it is hard to render an answer. Because a few times out of 100, it is clear that someone notices and is thankful of your human kindness, appreciative at the very least. But the other 97 times it takes to get there is a tough pill to swallow, and sometimes I wonder if this is the lesson that the DL meant to have us all tackle. That is, "If you are pleasant and obliging and giving love to humankind 100% of the time, is it okay that they only reciprocate it 2% of the time?"
3.17.2006
What Up
hmm
here's the thing. I think about him everyday still, but I don't pine for him. I just wonder. Just wonder what he is doing and what he is up to. Is that Dark? Is it Dark if I stalk a little teeny tiny bit to see what emails are coming in? I don't think so. Especially not when several of those emails are coming from Playboy. OK. Glad my e-mails aren't competing with that anymore. I'd just like this to be over.
Watching Telefutura isn't any help. It just improves my Spanish. Which I don't really want to do. I guess I'm watching because there is nothing else on?
Speaking of Spanish, that damned Spanish guitar instructor, whom I met at my friend's bday, keeps calling and emailing and calling, and I don't know what to do other than ignore? Any help out there? I certainly do NOT want to take him up on his offer to play songs to me in the park... ugh.
here's the thing. I think about him everyday still, but I don't pine for him. I just wonder. Just wonder what he is doing and what he is up to. Is that Dark? Is it Dark if I stalk a little teeny tiny bit to see what emails are coming in? I don't think so. Especially not when several of those emails are coming from Playboy. OK. Glad my e-mails aren't competing with that anymore. I'd just like this to be over.
Watching Telefutura isn't any help. It just improves my Spanish. Which I don't really want to do. I guess I'm watching because there is nothing else on?
Speaking of Spanish, that damned Spanish guitar instructor, whom I met at my friend's bday, keeps calling and emailing and calling, and I don't know what to do other than ignore? Any help out there? I certainly do NOT want to take him up on his offer to play songs to me in the park... ugh.
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