The Whole Story

This story is not for the faint of heart. Anyone who has given themselves completely to another will undoubtedly find some resonating qualities. Especially if you are a Cancer or you have given yourself completely to an ASSHOLE.

This is the most recent history of my long distance relationship:

I took that week after M left to try and think about things. It was really easy to do because he never once contacted me. In fact, since he has been back (3 weeks now) he has only contacted me 3 times. Can you already note I'm a bit peeved?

Back to M's departure. I decided to not contact him for a week and reflect. In that week I realized I really couldn't sort my own ideas out because I had no idea how he felt about me. I knew that if he said this could really be something, that I would give it a go. But he has never said anything other than "you're cute." What the fuck does that mean? Somehow the next time we talked I needed him to actually verbalize on a scale of "i like you - i care a lot for you - I love you" how he feels for me to really know how to proceed. Of course I am not stupid enough to demand and break it down like that.

Anyway, I had to "schedule" our next conversation, because he didn't seem to have any concept of time nor the need to contact me at all. That convo happened last Monday, almost a week after he got back.

Before I go on I want to tell you that I am a Cancer, and inherently with relationships that means I have a very hard shell around my heart, it is guarded with armor until a point at which I think it is ok to trust that a person can give me what I need and it is then a pleasure for me to give all I can to that person. Then I am 150% in. During the trip M pretty much broke down the wall, so I really just needed to hear that it was worth it to break it down. Even tho you may think it is "high maintenance," once I am "in" I need a lot of affirmation that I am giving so much of myself to the right person.

So, after a little catch up of the week after the trip, I did say that I didn't know how he felt about me. He said "I can't believe you don't know how I feel about you!" But he didn't actually then tell me, so I have, after 3 weeks come to my own conclusions, and if they are wrong, it's his fault for not clarifying.

But I digress. In that convo I told him that I felt a little neglected; that because he hadn't tried to contact me I felt like I wasn't important to him, he gave me a "pfh, oh come on." We talked and he said he was still thinking of moving to here (geez, can't tell me how he feels but he's moving here for me), and all the hang-ups he has to weigh, like leaving when he has good career ops, leaving in general, and what if he moves here and we break up, then what does he have? I told him he's putting the cart before the horse, because I need to feel like I am missed and important and I am not getting that, and these are things I will always need in a relationship, and if he doesn't want to, or isn't capable, of doing it now, then there will never be concern about moving here because we won't make it to that point. He said that I was fully capable of contacting him too, and I agreed, but I also informed him that when he contacts me on his own volition it makes my day and makes me feel amazing blah blah blah so please try...he said he understood and would try to contact me more but he didn't want it to feel like an obligation. I said I don't want it to feel like he's being forced either, and we both felt a little better.

I still didn't hear how he feels about me, but based on how he communicates I could safely say it was minimally "cares a lot." I was giving him a lot of the benefit of the doubt, convincing myself that his inability to communicate his feelings to me, along with the fact that he didn't communicate as often as I would like, were all cause of his being Foreign, and that maybe that's just not how it's done There, and maybe the previous women in his life have never asked it of him. But after that Big Talk, he disappeared again. I rationalized that with the whole "2 jobs, the wedding video and the website" i.e., his really busy factor, but it was getting harder and harder to rationalize. I was wondering if thinking he "cares a lot" was being a little aggressive on my part and that "he's just not into me" was more where we stood.

It was very difficult but I refused to contact him first. The stupid thing about him though, is that he leaves a very obvious trail of activity - so I can see when he is online and not contacting me, and I can when he is trolling his friends blogs and leaving comments and he's not bothering to contact me. So I was getting really pissed because what am I, an afterthought? And then I realized that I have broken down the walls for someone who I am pretty sure was not worth it, someone who I am not important to at all. Now, this is very hard for a cancer to accept, and it hurts like shit, and when we re-build the wall it is even stronger than the last time. But honestly, I refuse to be the last task on M's to-do list.

So basically, this past week has been really horrible for me. I feel very hurt, especially because he is sitting over there going on with his life completely clueless of how it is impacting me.

This takes me to today, the 3rd contact from him since he left. He IM'd me, and I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't accuse or ask any questions even though I was wondering how he thought not talking to me for a week was stepping up? Instead I let the IM flow naturally, seeing where he would take it. And he took it to M-land. Meaning, the 15 min IM session was all about him. Then I had to go and he had to eat, and I shut down the computer. But I was really fucking pissed - I felt like I was his goddamn penpal therapist. So I turned the compu back on and added something to the IM, something really passive aggressive, along the lines of: not that you asked how I am or anything but I've had a really shit week, I can't sleep and I've lost 4 lbs because I've lost my appetite. have a good night. then I turned the compu off and left! All of that, the sleepless nights and no appetite, is true by the way, and it is all because I am fucking confused as shit about his actions/inactions, and disappointed that I have wasted so much time on an absolutely self-centered gemini prick.

I was gone for a couple of hours, but when I returned there was a response back on the compu, but it was cryptic. He wrote, among other things, "apparantly I am a real bastard now" which when I first read it I translated it as "geez I'm such an idiot that i didn't even ask about you." But after reading it again, and the line following it ("i'm not going to say more, hope we can TALK about it soon"), I am translating it a little differently, more like he is pissed that I was trying to lay a guilt trip on him. Which yeah Iwas. Asshole.

So, THAT is how it's going. It totally sucks. I am finally tonight, after a week of being in a really fucked up place, ok with the fact that I am going to be his stupid penpal. I have my appetite back finally but that is a bit of a pity because I just bought somereally hot pants at H&M and I'll probably not fit in them now that I can eat.