You Suck And...

You Suck. And, you don't. This is not how I wanted this blog to go.

There you are, on the other side of this "pond" having your own life. And here I am, wondering whether to post my feelings on my own blog or to the "rants and raves" section of Craigslist.

Why? Because I want to rant the shit out of this. I have a lot of frustration. There is a lot to rave about with you, too. Fuck. I hate you. And... I don't.

Here's the problem with pragmatism: you see both sides. Look for the balance. To be pragmatic is to be always looking for a soft spot between a rock and a hard place.

So, here I have been trying to see both sides of how you treat me. I love your generosity. But it is in all these f'd up kinds of ways. You spent tons of dough getting me nice gifts and coming to visit. You've spent a year having long talks with me. You have spent a lot of time helping me get my business in a prominent place on the internet. You're "hosting" a lot of my content.

However you are not generous in your communication. You are not generous anymore with your time. You have not shared your heart. I feel like the last thing on your "to-do" list.

And so I wonder. Actually, I don't wonder anymore. I guess I'm not being so pragmatic, after all. I am not weighing your side; I don't see that you have a VALID side at all. You are losing me, you are losing me, you are losing me. But at the same time I am super sad about the things you have to offer, and the things I HAVE to offer, and the fact that all those things have gone to waste for a while.

This morning I realized I am ready to let someone else enjoy the great things about you. Well, not completley, but I'm getting there. It doesn't make sense for me to cling to you when there could be a woman out there who will make you want to be the best man you can be.