Pardon? Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't see you there.
Who, me? You think I'm dark? Why, I don't know what you mean. No... you must be mistaking me for some other girl. You know who I'm talking about? Why, yes, it is Mona!
Yes, yes... quite right, Mona can be very selfish. What's that? Yes, she can be bitter, too. Should I tell her you said that? No? Okay.
But - no; I haven't seen her lately. Well, last I heard she was quite busy. However! She did break up with some Dutch bozo who has basically "erased" her... yes, her words not mine, but how lame! After a year and a half. Right. And, apparantly he has some new girl who isn't so new at all... No, from what I've heard, she was seen around and even videologged on the internet as being very present right before the goof-ball's visit to Mona. Yes! Imagine the shock.
Anyway, no, you didn't bother me at all. Yes, I will tell Mona you said hi. No, she's around... just gearing up for some crazy trip to Casablanca or something. Yeah, I guess her brother lives there. I know! That would be a cool trip. Well, have a good day. Right. Will do. Er, what's your name? Okay. I'll tell her. Okay! Bye!
4.27.2006
4.17.2006
A letter of discussion from JC
I love this guy. He's a pal of my parents - same generation as them - (happily married and surfing/making commercials in So California) , we've always just clicked. Sometimes he's a little over the top for me, but other times, like in throwing me a few questions the other day, he gets me to actually think about the reasoning behind actions. He'll throw out just a few q's, yet it will take me 45 minutes to respond. At the end, it usually brings better self-understanding:
JC's e-mailed questions:
"I've heard of your fem-technique used before, female-to-male - after the relationship sours, with the gal saying it's over, then executing provocative taunts. Why? - to tease?, to win back?, to reel the fish back into the fem's love boat?"
Mona's self-enlightening response (thanks, JC):
"I wouldn't question the fem-technique. That's like entering a bottomless abyss. Believe me...women, who are so good at pondering/finding answers for things (things need to make sense), don't know why we do this. The only answer I can think of is that this comes to play when the man doesn't outwardly show regret in losing the girl. I am deep enough and empathetical enough to realize that regret is sometimes not outwardly shown, even if it is there. Regardless, there is something innate in we women that just needs to see, wants proof of the fact, that we are good, wanted, and more importantly: missed. I think this happens most when a man comes on like blockbusters and then drops the act "out of nowhere" (obviously it is coming from somewhere, but that's man's territory and we can't decipher the code; it takes too much energy and once deciphered, it usually doesn't make "sense" anyway). For a woman, going from 60 to 0, or pedastal to floor (behind the refrigerator) is a difficult thing to accept. Is the fem-tech to tease? A bit. Fish back? Sometimes (not in this case). Is it passive aggressive? Yes, I hate to admit. Mostly I think, it's to make the drop from queen to pauper a little softer. Because, no matter which girl you are, it's a hard fall to take.
Before you hit the reply button, you should know that above I am only answering your questions. I am like you; fully believing that where you are is where you are, that there is always a changeable path and you are always both directing it and at some point on it. I am comfortable with the decision I made and I can only think at this moment, for the sake of the myself and the path, that that was what needed to happen. I'm taking what comes (including my own obtrusive and innate womanly reactions) in stride, and (hopefully) growing and learning, and thus affecting the path that comes.
All my best,
Mona"
JC's e-mailed questions:
"I've heard of your fem-technique used before, female-to-male - after the relationship sours, with the gal saying it's over, then executing provocative taunts. Why? - to tease?, to win back?, to reel the fish back into the fem's love boat?"
Mona's self-enlightening response (thanks, JC):
"I wouldn't question the fem-technique. That's like entering a bottomless abyss. Believe me...women, who are so good at pondering/finding answers for things (things need to make sense), don't know why we do this. The only answer I can think of is that this comes to play when the man doesn't outwardly show regret in losing the girl. I am deep enough and empathetical enough to realize that regret is sometimes not outwardly shown, even if it is there. Regardless, there is something innate in we women that just needs to see, wants proof of the fact, that we are good, wanted, and more importantly: missed. I think this happens most when a man comes on like blockbusters and then drops the act "out of nowhere" (obviously it is coming from somewhere, but that's man's territory and we can't decipher the code; it takes too much energy and once deciphered, it usually doesn't make "sense" anyway). For a woman, going from 60 to 0, or pedastal to floor (behind the refrigerator) is a difficult thing to accept. Is the fem-tech to tease? A bit. Fish back? Sometimes (not in this case). Is it passive aggressive? Yes, I hate to admit. Mostly I think, it's to make the drop from queen to pauper a little softer. Because, no matter which girl you are, it's a hard fall to take.
Before you hit the reply button, you should know that above I am only answering your questions. I am like you; fully believing that where you are is where you are, that there is always a changeable path and you are always both directing it and at some point on it. I am comfortable with the decision I made and I can only think at this moment, for the sake of the myself and the path, that that was what needed to happen. I'm taking what comes (including my own obtrusive and innate womanly reactions) in stride, and (hopefully) growing and learning, and thus affecting the path that comes.
All my best,
Mona"
4.16.2006
Pillage and Rape
Can I just tell you, for a moment, what a motherfucker my ex-boyfriend is?
He's a big, fat motherfucker. There. I said it.
In my cyber-stalking, I have found that he *instanly!* rebounded with a girl who was around when *I was around.* Hmm. Makes me wonder if he was honest when I asked him the Big Sex Questions.
Furthermore, he's not hiding it anymore. On his photolog, he referred to her as "'da missas" so, I can all but guarantee, he's traded this lovely American model in for a more (dare I say? No, I shan't I'm dark but not that dark)... Local Model (albeit more colorful in clothing and less straight in the teeth departments - shit - ok - I am a little dark after all). So she speaks Dutch and I can't understand her, so I can't tell you if she is as smart as me. I can tell you I hate her voice and her Dutchness. But that could be for other reasons. Actually, not. It's because she's my replacement, goddammit. Regardless, he's a big, fat motherfucker.
I must tell you that there have been NUMEROUS TIMES that I have wanted to,and was able to, rain on his cyber-parade by inserting mean comments about him wherever cyberly possible (in his case, many many places). But again, I'm only a little dark. So I do not do it. Why? Eye for an eye and the Golden Rule. I'd hate to have him do it to me publicly (although he has in a private e-mail - ouch all the same but I let that lay there dead in the water), so I cannot bring myself to expose him as the fool man-child that he is.
As you can very well tell, there is still a bit of sting. It bothers me tremendously. I struggled and fought to make the decision to end the relationship, and still, once decided and after a little reprieve, it haunts me. I see the fucking q-tip jar, almost empty, and it reminds me of when he was here thinking I didn't own q-tips. And I showed him how the medicine cabinet (surprise!) works and we re-filled the jar together. And now, the jar is almost empty again, and everytime I reach for a q-tip (daily) I think of that!!! Stupid girl. Stupid girl must often remind herself that this wasnt' even love, and then stupid girl worries big time that, if this wasn't love, then thinking about a q-tip scenario with someone said girl was actually in love with would be altogether quite worse. So this non-fond memory is okay after all.
Back to the title of the post, though. Granted: a break-up with a generally good (though fool man-child) guy is difficult. Hence the pillage and rape. Because it's like a "WHAMMY!" to those guys, all innocent and not realizing they aren't doing the right things. But it sucks on this end, too. In a way, I feel like I am missing something. I miss sharing what's happening in my life with him (actually, it's all good stuff, but still... erase ERASE!). And you know what sucks even more? Being the stupid girl, who still feels bad about breaking it off, and who still wonders a little, and who cyber-stalks enough to wonder even a little more, and most of all.... most of all it sucks being the stupid girl who whines about break-ups in multiple multiple posts! Yes, realizing that you are not really being dark at the moment, but that you're just being one troubled person of a thousand troubled persons being troubled by the same stupid shit, is the most depressing thing of all.
He's a big, fat motherfucker. There. I said it.
In my cyber-stalking, I have found that he *instanly!* rebounded with a girl who was around when *I was around.* Hmm. Makes me wonder if he was honest when I asked him the Big Sex Questions.
Furthermore, he's not hiding it anymore. On his photolog, he referred to her as "'da missas" so, I can all but guarantee, he's traded this lovely American model in for a more (dare I say? No, I shan't I'm dark but not that dark)... Local Model (albeit more colorful in clothing and less straight in the teeth departments - shit - ok - I am a little dark after all). So she speaks Dutch and I can't understand her, so I can't tell you if she is as smart as me. I can tell you I hate her voice and her Dutchness. But that could be for other reasons. Actually, not. It's because she's my replacement, goddammit. Regardless, he's a big, fat motherfucker.
I must tell you that there have been NUMEROUS TIMES that I have wanted to,and was able to, rain on his cyber-parade by inserting mean comments about him wherever cyberly possible (in his case, many many places). But again, I'm only a little dark. So I do not do it. Why? Eye for an eye and the Golden Rule. I'd hate to have him do it to me publicly (although he has in a private e-mail - ouch all the same but I let that lay there dead in the water), so I cannot bring myself to expose him as the fool man-child that he is.
As you can very well tell, there is still a bit of sting. It bothers me tremendously. I struggled and fought to make the decision to end the relationship, and still, once decided and after a little reprieve, it haunts me. I see the fucking q-tip jar, almost empty, and it reminds me of when he was here thinking I didn't own q-tips. And I showed him how the medicine cabinet (surprise!) works and we re-filled the jar together. And now, the jar is almost empty again, and everytime I reach for a q-tip (daily) I think of that!!! Stupid girl. Stupid girl must often remind herself that this wasnt' even love, and then stupid girl worries big time that, if this wasn't love, then thinking about a q-tip scenario with someone said girl was actually in love with would be altogether quite worse. So this non-fond memory is okay after all.
Back to the title of the post, though. Granted: a break-up with a generally good (though fool man-child) guy is difficult. Hence the pillage and rape. Because it's like a "WHAMMY!" to those guys, all innocent and not realizing they aren't doing the right things. But it sucks on this end, too. In a way, I feel like I am missing something. I miss sharing what's happening in my life with him (actually, it's all good stuff, but still... erase ERASE!). And you know what sucks even more? Being the stupid girl, who still feels bad about breaking it off, and who still wonders a little, and who cyber-stalks enough to wonder even a little more, and most of all.... most of all it sucks being the stupid girl who whines about break-ups in multiple multiple posts! Yes, realizing that you are not really being dark at the moment, but that you're just being one troubled person of a thousand troubled persons being troubled by the same stupid shit, is the most depressing thing of all.
4.06.2006
What Up? A Sad Song
Er... I don't really know how to add audio. But I'm gonna try right now. Cuz this song, I wrote a long time ago (and yeah, sounds a bit like I was drinking and singing my blues away). Does it come on? [ed note later: no. Sorry.]
4.05.2006
"C" Is For...
... Cancer. It's unfortunate, really, morbid in fact, to be the one and only astrological sign that shares its name with an illness which is, the majority of the time, terminal. It's a big bummer, to be frank.
I mean, there are no other astrological signs that are synonymous with a deadly disease. It's quite unfair, if you think about it. No one ever says, in a quiet tone, "she died from Aries," or Scorpio, or Taurus. No, not related to something morbid at all, those signs. If anyone happened to suddenly die, then at least, one could proudly say that he or she simply had an ill-fated infatuation with someone of another astrological sign, and it would be death categorized in the from love (or unrequited love), and that would be quite romantic.
But, oh! To be a "Cancer." The term, since the word refers to other ills (the obvious- cancer: a disease which materializes within the body and eats away at the body's tissue until it can no longer operate - and the less obvious - the metaphorical nomiker "cancer," in which a person is considered to be clingy and suffocating, or one who spreads negativity), does not ring lightly or cheerily in human ears, whether speaking of signs or not. It is loaded with negativity; so much so that I often refrain from referencing it when describing myself.
But here's the funny thing. Cancer, the sign that is, is the one most identifiable thing about me. Now, don't take me for some hippie-dippy astrology freak. I'm just saying that, in my three decades on the earth, only my family origin and my astrological sign have made me feel real, definable, and understood. So what I'm saying is that, of the few things I can solidly rely on to come back to my true... my true... "soul identity" I guess I'll call it, is something for which the majority of the world cringes upon hearing when uttered. Cancer.
On that note and on a somewhat half-baked tangent, I want to know something. I want to know something about the questions doctors and researchers ask people who have been identified as having lung cancer yet have never smoked. Because I seriously think it has a lot to do with all the consumer product shit that we either have and swear by or are being forced to believe is required for "cleanliness."
So, here are my questions that I hope to God the reasearchers and doctors are asking, so we can eliminate possible cancer enducers in the future. If they are not asking them yet, I hope someone reads this and passes it along:
Where do you live (I have a feeling most of these cases are in US or highly industry-related cities)?
Recall to the best of your ability what brand of foods did you eat as a child?
Recall to the best of your ability what cleaning brands/products your family used when you were growing up?
Recall to the best of your ability what brand of pesticides, herbicides, plant food products, pest control products, mosquito repellent, etc your family used habitually?
Name the major brands and products of foods that you have consistently eaten in the last 5 years.
Name the brands of cleaning products you have conisistenly used in the last 5 years.
Name the pesticides, herbicides, plant food products, pest control products, mosquito repellents etc you have used in the last 5 years.
Do you drink coffee, soda, tea, and in what quantities daily
What percentage of your diet is made up of processed food, including items such as homogenized milk products (cheese, butter, milk) and fortified bread products?
Do you consume any products that are replacements ("artificial") for other products, such as CoffeeMate, Equal, Egg Beaters, etc.
Do you use aerosole chemical products of any sort in your home?
OK, I am thinking now that my list could go on and on and soon enough, I would start a grassroots organization in which the constituents would be 250 times more invested in than me. But I think you get my drift: non-smoking lung cancer makes absolutely no sense. Something is happening here, and I think, once again, it can be pinned on our infamous private sector, which is attempting to make a fortune on making our lives easier by introducing products that destroy not only us but our world. Exponentially, it seems.
And so now, with this teeny bit of extremism that I have introduced (yet another one of my "lovely" Cancerian characteristics), you can see how I get all bent out of shape by being a Cancer. Can't you?
I mean, there are no other astrological signs that are synonymous with a deadly disease. It's quite unfair, if you think about it. No one ever says, in a quiet tone, "she died from Aries," or Scorpio, or Taurus. No, not related to something morbid at all, those signs. If anyone happened to suddenly die, then at least, one could proudly say that he or she simply had an ill-fated infatuation with someone of another astrological sign, and it would be death categorized in the from love (or unrequited love), and that would be quite romantic.
But, oh! To be a "Cancer." The term, since the word refers to other ills (the obvious- cancer: a disease which materializes within the body and eats away at the body's tissue until it can no longer operate - and the less obvious - the metaphorical nomiker "cancer," in which a person is considered to be clingy and suffocating, or one who spreads negativity), does not ring lightly or cheerily in human ears, whether speaking of signs or not. It is loaded with negativity; so much so that I often refrain from referencing it when describing myself.
But here's the funny thing. Cancer, the sign that is, is the one most identifiable thing about me. Now, don't take me for some hippie-dippy astrology freak. I'm just saying that, in my three decades on the earth, only my family origin and my astrological sign have made me feel real, definable, and understood. So what I'm saying is that, of the few things I can solidly rely on to come back to my true... my true... "soul identity" I guess I'll call it, is something for which the majority of the world cringes upon hearing when uttered. Cancer.
On that note and on a somewhat half-baked tangent, I want to know something. I want to know something about the questions doctors and researchers ask people who have been identified as having lung cancer yet have never smoked. Because I seriously think it has a lot to do with all the consumer product shit that we either have and swear by or are being forced to believe is required for "cleanliness."
So, here are my questions that I hope to God the reasearchers and doctors are asking, so we can eliminate possible cancer enducers in the future. If they are not asking them yet, I hope someone reads this and passes it along:
Where do you live (I have a feeling most of these cases are in US or highly industry-related cities)?
Recall to the best of your ability what brand of foods did you eat as a child?
Recall to the best of your ability what cleaning brands/products your family used when you were growing up?
Recall to the best of your ability what brand of pesticides, herbicides, plant food products, pest control products, mosquito repellent, etc your family used habitually?
Name the major brands and products of foods that you have consistently eaten in the last 5 years.
Name the brands of cleaning products you have conisistenly used in the last 5 years.
Name the pesticides, herbicides, plant food products, pest control products, mosquito repellents etc you have used in the last 5 years.
Do you drink coffee, soda, tea, and in what quantities daily
What percentage of your diet is made up of processed food, including items such as homogenized milk products (cheese, butter, milk) and fortified bread products?
Do you consume any products that are replacements ("artificial") for other products, such as CoffeeMate, Equal, Egg Beaters, etc.
Do you use aerosole chemical products of any sort in your home?
OK, I am thinking now that my list could go on and on and soon enough, I would start a grassroots organization in which the constituents would be 250 times more invested in than me. But I think you get my drift: non-smoking lung cancer makes absolutely no sense. Something is happening here, and I think, once again, it can be pinned on our infamous private sector, which is attempting to make a fortune on making our lives easier by introducing products that destroy not only us but our world. Exponentially, it seems.
And so now, with this teeny bit of extremism that I have introduced (yet another one of my "lovely" Cancerian characteristics), you can see how I get all bent out of shape by being a Cancer. Can't you?
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