Pillage and Rape

Can I just tell you, for a moment, what a motherfucker my ex-boyfriend is?

He's a big, fat motherfucker. There. I said it.

In my cyber-stalking, I have found that he *instanly!* rebounded with a girl who was around when *I was around.* Hmm. Makes me wonder if he was honest when I asked him the Big Sex Questions.

Furthermore, he's not hiding it anymore. On his photolog, he referred to her as "'da missas" so, I can all but guarantee, he's traded this lovely American model in for a more (dare I say? No, I shan't I'm dark but not that dark)... Local Model (albeit more colorful in clothing and less straight in the teeth departments - shit - ok - I am a little dark after all). So she speaks Dutch and I can't understand her, so I can't tell you if she is as smart as me. I can tell you I hate her voice and her Dutchness. But that could be for other reasons. Actually, not. It's because she's my replacement, goddammit. Regardless, he's a big, fat motherfucker.

I must tell you that there have been NUMEROUS TIMES that I have wanted to,and was able to, rain on his cyber-parade by inserting mean comments about him wherever cyberly possible (in his case, many many places). But again, I'm only a little dark. So I do not do it. Why? Eye for an eye and the Golden Rule. I'd hate to have him do it to me publicly (although he has in a private e-mail - ouch all the same but I let that lay there dead in the water), so I cannot bring myself to expose him as the fool man-child that he is.

As you can very well tell, there is still a bit of sting. It bothers me tremendously. I struggled and fought to make the decision to end the relationship, and still, once decided and after a little reprieve, it haunts me. I see the fucking q-tip jar, almost empty, and it reminds me of when he was here thinking I didn't own q-tips. And I showed him how the medicine cabinet (surprise!) works and we re-filled the jar together. And now, the jar is almost empty again, and everytime I reach for a q-tip (daily) I think of that!!! Stupid girl. Stupid girl must often remind herself that this wasnt' even love, and then stupid girl worries big time that, if this wasn't love, then thinking about a q-tip scenario with someone said girl was actually in love with would be altogether quite worse. So this non-fond memory is okay after all.

Back to the title of the post, though. Granted: a break-up with a generally good (though fool man-child) guy is difficult. Hence the pillage and rape. Because it's like a "WHAMMY!" to those guys, all innocent and not realizing they aren't doing the right things. But it sucks on this end, too. In a way, I feel like I am missing something. I miss sharing what's happening in my life with him (actually, it's all good stuff, but still... erase ERASE!). And you know what sucks even more? Being the stupid girl, who still feels bad about breaking it off, and who still wonders a little, and who cyber-stalks enough to wonder even a little more, and most of all.... most of all it sucks being the stupid girl who whines about break-ups in multiple multiple posts! Yes, realizing that you are not really being dark at the moment, but that you're just being one troubled person of a thousand troubled persons being troubled by the same stupid shit, is the most depressing thing of all.

Tags:

• life
• funny
• personal