Like The Man, Hate His Kisses

Why, why, why do European men kiss weird? Don't misunderstand me, some American men just suck at kissing. In fact, by 33 I feel lucky to have kissed as many good kissers as I have. American kissers lately have been sub-par. Two years of bad kissers is unacceptable. But those male Euros, they do some weird stuff. I don't know how the Euro women put up with it, frankly.

I am on Euro #3. The 2 Frenchies did the same stupid-ass kiss maneouver: "The REAL French Kiss." It consists of being in the middle of a standard (i.e., American-style French) kiss, and then getting their tongues all slobbery and rolling them in circles around your tongue. I don't know why they think this is sexually stimulating; what can the girl do with her own tongue while it's being harrassed by his? With both of these guys, the only way to stop the unpleasant intrusion was an irrepressable laugh, and then they were like "what?" I don't recall how I would respond, but neither of them liked it.

Now here I am with Dutchy. I was so excited about our first kiss. And our second. But the 3rd? Oh no. Dear God, not again. What the hell is he doing with his tongue??

He's doing "The Flick." As above, we were in a nice groove of standard kissing. But see, the Euros start with the "no open-no-tongue" kissing. To indicate that I was moving forward in intimacy level, I let my tongue slip into his mouth, hoping for a tongue-toast. What did I get? No tongue-toast. No. He opened up and let my tongue sit in a vacuous hole. THEN, in order to indicate his heightened desire, he. flicked. his. slobbery. tongue. back and forth. in. my. mouth.

Yuck. AGAIN! What is a girl supposed to do while someone else's tongue is going 80 km [note the European measurement] in her space? Because I really really like Dutchy, I didn't laugh. But I wanted to. Really bad.

Yeah, yeah, there are ways to change a man's kiss. I've been told the whole "how to..." before. But that week that we were together last, it just didn't seem like the right time. Fuck.