Scared Shitless

I know you are dealing with your own shit. But I am going to share my freak out. Here's the deal. Breathe. Okay.

I am worried about my man's upcoming visit. He's spending a lot of money to spend time with me, and I am having reservations. As much as many people would like him to be, he might not be "The One," and I think those other people's wishes are pushing this shit forward, as well as my own desires to be "committed" and evolve.

I know he cares about me. Basically, he's all in. But the thing is, he just doesn't seem all there all the time. He's like a 5 year old with ADD. I see it more and more. And I don't know if a week here in SF will assure me that it's something I can deal with longterm. Apparently, sometime in the past 5 days he crashed on his bike and has a bruised rib. I didn't hear about it till yesterday, even though we talk everyday. Is that something normal people leave out? Call me crazy, but it's the first thing I would mention if it happened to me!

So. I'm making a list of the things that scare me about committing to him, and the things that don't:

Scare Me:
1. He thinks about too many things at the same time and prioritizes the wrong thing
2. At first, his ability to go into any situation and work with it was a plus. I don't want to be with someone that sits in a corner . But now I realize that when he is in a social environment, he gets so wrapped up in it that I don't exist
3. At one point during really good sex, he asked me to smile. I hate when strangers do that on the street - do you think I like it during sex with someone I know?
4. He's selfish, but I think that is because he hasn't had to think about anyone but himself for a while. But still.

Hmm. I'm going to stop here. Mainly because I know I am getting ahead of myself.

Things That I Like:
1. He is all in
2. I'm attracted to him
3. At the end of the day, he helps me sort through my shit. Even if he isn't sorted through his, how can he still manage to do this? He gives me a confidence others can't. I don't know how he does it! (Oh yeah, he doesn't know me well enough yet.)

Then I wonder, if there are this many things that are warnings to me about him, how many warnings does he have about me? I rack my brain on this one. But for some reason, I always come out looking perfect on the receiving end (which is probably why I'm still single).

On that note, I'm going to let it go. I don't feel bad that he is spending a lot of money to come here and spend time with me. Truth be told, I don't think a week with him is enough to really figure this out. It's not like we're here working and living together, so it's not the real deal. Either way we are already invested in one another, and him coming to see, well, I consider that like an insurance policy for both of us. But I'm still scared shitless.