Pushing My Hypochondriac-"isms" On Another

Most people don't want to know this stuff. Lucky for you, you are my closest friend, so I am going to tell you. And I am about to die doing it.

To put it bluntly, My Man does not have smooth testes. He's lumpy. First time I've ever experienced that in my life.

So, knowing me (well, you don't, but you'll soon find out), I've gotten increasingly worried about this. I mean, the man doesn't go to the doctor very often. He's always "fine" when he's really not. F'ing tough guys. Love'em and hate'em. Doesn't help that I am a hypochondriac who always thinks I have some terminal illness.

Anyway. So, his scrotum, in more medical terms, is lumpy. Of course I automatically think "Testicular Cancer," freak myself out a million times over, and start a Google search after worrying for days. The Good News: most likely not. The Bad News: all sorts of other possibilites (including an STD), for which, in order to determine WHAT EXACTLY IT IS, I would have to ask him the following questions:
When did you notice the lump?
Have you had any previous lumps?
Is there any pain?
Does the lump change in size?
Is only one testicle involved?
Have you had any recent injuries or infections?
What other symptoms do you have?
Is there scrotal swelling?
Do you have abdominal pain?
Do you have any lumps or swelling elsewhere?
Have you ever had surgery on your testicles or in the area?
Were you born with both testicles in the scrotum?

Uh... yeah. No thanks. Mainly because I could never ask those questions with a straight face. BUT. I kind of DO need to ask these questions, because they will determine if it is a quote-unquote normal lumpy scrotum or if it is a result of an STD. SO. I have some thinkin' to do. Fuck me. Er, hold off a while, Sailor, till I figure this one out.

And on a total sidenote, the people across the street are having a rager. So I don't see myself getting up tomorrow to meet my running group at 8am. But I digress.